How to Apologize

Learn how you can master a sincere apology using the three key ingredients: explicit mention, ownership, and empathy.

The ability to effectively apologize is crucial in personal and professional relationships. I’ve missed meetings, injured people with my surfboard, and hurt people’s feelings.

I am not alone. For example, Paul Sherrell, a Tennessee state legislator suggested hanging criminals from trees for death penalty sentences in 2023:

“My exaggerated comments were intended to convey my belief that for the cruelest and most heinous crimes, a just society requires the death penalty in kind. Although a victim’s family cannot be restored when an execution is carried out, a lesser punishment undermines the value we place on protecting life. My intention was to express my support of families who often wait decades for justice. I sincerely apologize to anyone who may have been hurt or offended.”

Not being an expert in apologizing despite lots of practice, I sought the expertise of someone who is. Her name is Lisa Leopold, adjunct professor at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies.

Analyzing Paul’s Apology

Lisa gives this apology a D–. Here are the gory details.

Most of this apology reads as a justification for his suggestion (as he expressed “intended” and “intention” twice in the statement).

There is absolutely no remorse. Calling his comments “exaggerated” hardly captures how offensive they are. The words “I sincerely apologize” are appropriate, but he does not apologize for the transgression but rather for others’ (potential) feelings.

There is even a suggestion that there are no victims with the use of hedging in “anyone who may have been hurt or offended.” The justification for the transgression, the lack of remorse, the suggestion that there may be no victims, the masking of the seriousness of the offense, and the apology issued only for the potential hurt (rather than the offense) render this apology pretty awful.

The Three Key Ingredients of a Good Apology

Okay, now we know what not to do. Apologies are more than just words; they are a way to show accountability, empathy, and a commitment to making things right. Here's how you can master the art of a sincere apology.

According to Lisa, a good apology has three essential components:

1. Explicit Mention of the Apology: Clearly state that you are apologizing: “I am sorry.” Avoid vague language that might dilute the sincerity of your apology.

2. Ownership of the Offense: Take full responsibility for your actions. Avoid deflecting blame or making excuses.

3. Expression of Empathy: Show that you understand and regret the impact of your actions on others.

Crafting the perfect apology is an skill. From explicitly owning up to your mistakes to showing genuine empathy, these essential elements transform a mere "sorry" into a powerful tool for healing and reconciliation.

By the way - you can listen to Lisa’s episode on my podcast here: https://guykawasaki.com/lisa-leopold/

Why Apologizing is Difficult

Many people find it hard to apologize because they see it as a sign of weakness. However, research shows that leaders who apologize are judged more favorably than those who do not. Admitting mistakes actually enhances your credibility and shows strength of character.

Understanding the psychological aspects of apologies can help us craft more effective ones. Research has shown that apologies can:

• Reduce anger and increase empathy in the person receiving the apology

• Restore trust and repair damaged relationships

• Promote forgiveness and healing

When we apologize sincerely, we activate the part of the brain associated with empathy and emotional processing in the recipient, making them more likely to respond positively.

A Real-World, Good Example

One of the best public apologies came from the CEO of Starbucks, who took full responsibility for an incident where two Black men were wrongfully arrested in one of their stores. He said:

These two gentlemen did not deserve what happened, and we are accountable - I am accountable.

This apology was effective because it used "I" language and claimed ownership, even though he was not directly involved in the incident.

The Power of a Follow-Up

It's important to note that people will judge you by your actions, not just your words. If you think you can get away with anything just because you are good at apologizing, people will eventually see through the façade.

A truly effective apology doesn't end with the words "I'm sorry." Consider following up with:

1. A plan for how you'll prevent similar situations in the future

2. An offer to make amends or rectify the situation

3. A request for feedback on how you can do better

This shows that your apology is more than just words – it's a commitment to change and improvement.

Conclusion

Apologizing is not just about saying the right words; it's about showing genuine remorse and a commitment to change. By following these guidelines, you can make your apologies more effective and meaningful. Remember, a well-delivered apology can turn a negative situation into an opportunity for growth and strengthened relationships.

P.S. Speaking of remarkable things, my newest book Think Remarkable is now available. It dives deeper into topics like this one, offering insights on how to stand out in both your personal and professional life. You can purchase it here. I'd love to hear your thoughts once you've had a chance to read it!

Also, don’t miss this week’s episode of the Remarkable People podcast, where I sit down with Mitchell Maki, the president and CEO of the Go For Broke National Education Center. Mitchell shares the inspiring story of the Japanese-American veterans of World War II, who bravely served their country despite the injustice of their families being unjustly incarcerated in internment camps.

His insights illuminate this crucial chapter of American history and its enduring lessons for upholding civil rights and democracy, even in times of crisis.

Tune in here! https://bit.ly/mmdisubd